Dear Robert D. Friedman,

I have your $0.21 red spiral notebook. The one that's got your application essay to Berkeley in it. Here's a tip: Next time, try to avoid things like '...try crossing your legs with an erection. Go ahead.' But. What do I know? Maybe they like that kind of stuff in California. I've only been there once. I really kind of like your notebook. My husband works at the used bookstore where people like you accidentally sell their journals all the time. Most are shit. Some are racy and almost interesting...like the fuzzy cookie monster diary we found once that detailed a lurid extra-marital affair some woman was having with her mechanic. Or neighbor. Or maybe he was both, it's really not important. Anyways. If I were you, I'd want this notebook back. It contains. Decency. Worthwhile thoughts. Drunken scratches about breasts and thirsty deaths in the Sahara. Girls' addresses. OHWELL. Hope you get into Berkeley.

Muchlove,
K.