The Lazy Days of Summer
I had a whole day off today. No jobs. Downside: It's 5:00 pm and I've already had a pap, a tetanus shot and a biopsy ordered by my doctor. Also, my ENTIRE FUCKING APARTMENT is flooded. Well. Not the whole thing. Just both bedrooms and all of my closets. Some sort of pipe connected to the sprinkler they like to let run for 36-hour intervals outside my bedroom window broke somewhere. Or something. I don't know. Maintenance did, however, fix my dishwasher after FIVE MONTHS of continual maintenance requests. Much to their troll-like, oily surprise, this did not make the four thousand gallons of water in my house magically evaporate. But. I really thought it was going to work, too. When I left they were peering suspiciously inside my toilet grunting at each other and making wide, flamboyant arm gestures.
We went to the office on our way out to point out that:
a.) Our apartment is flooded because maintenance is incompetent.
b.) Our furnace leaked carbon monoxide for the first three months of Winter because the maintenance team is incompetent.
c.) White trash kids shot our window.
d.) "High-functioning" group-home individuals have been caught sniffing our unmentionables in the laundry room.
They pointed out that everything will be okay. Maintenance has fans. OF COURSE! Thank god. I apologized on the spot for my lack of faith in my apartment community. I mean. WHY didn't they tell me in the BEGINNING that they had FANS? I cried and offered to pay an extra hundred a month. I mean. I hear these fans can be very expensive - I don't want my apartment community to lose money because of my selfish request for a dry, mold-free apartment with a working dishwasher, safe carbon monoxide levels and minimal panty sniffing. She smiled benevolently and told me that THEY are the management team and it is THEIR job to provide the fans.
Fuck.
Thank god for fans.
P.S. Do you think that I would go to jail for punching an old lady with Costco glasses in the face? I'm leaning towards 'Yes, but do it anyway because that bitch is totally asking for it.' Maybe I should take an internet poll.
We went to the office on our way out to point out that:
a.) Our apartment is flooded because maintenance is incompetent.
b.) Our furnace leaked carbon monoxide for the first three months of Winter because the maintenance team is incompetent.
c.) White trash kids shot our window.
d.) "High-functioning" group-home individuals have been caught sniffing our unmentionables in the laundry room.
They pointed out that everything will be okay. Maintenance has fans. OF COURSE! Thank god. I apologized on the spot for my lack of faith in my apartment community. I mean. WHY didn't they tell me in the BEGINNING that they had FANS? I cried and offered to pay an extra hundred a month. I mean. I hear these fans can be very expensive - I don't want my apartment community to lose money because of my selfish request for a dry, mold-free apartment with a working dishwasher, safe carbon monoxide levels and minimal panty sniffing. She smiled benevolently and told me that THEY are the management team and it is THEIR job to provide the fans.
Fuck.
Thank god for fans.
P.S. Do you think that I would go to jail for punching an old lady with Costco glasses in the face? I'm leaning towards 'Yes, but do it anyway because that bitch is totally asking for it.' Maybe I should take an internet poll.
posted by inveil | 3:11 PM
1 Comments:
"Hey kids, this is Clarence and today, we're asking people what gets them riled up!"
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