73.5 reasons not to have sex while you're ovulating*.

So I bought a pregnancy at the grocery store near my house this morning. It was locked up in a plexiglass case in the pharmacy - along with about four different types of condoms and eight thousand different types of home yeast infection treatments. I'd walked up to the counter to ask someone to help me and wound up having to ask some seventeen year old boy to unlock the case for me. He was apologetic and told me that he doesn't understand why they lock that stuff up. I crazily, desperately mumbled something about old women stealing their yeast infection medicine, snatched up the cheapest test they had and took off for the register.

I decided that I needed to buy the test after two days of dizzy spells and not being able to eat anything besides baby carrots and cherries. Today, they sent me home from work six hours early, when I started gagging and tearing up, insisting that the old man twenty feet away from me looking at safety glasses smelled exactly like burnt cheese. Because he did. And. I think he winked at me. But I suppose that's beside the point. Anyways. I took the test and was blessed with one red line which means I am still only one person. Although: After I took the test I noticed that I'm not technically supposed to take it until at least one day after a missed period and since that's not going to happen for another week, I suppose today's test results may be considered pretty much worthless. Regardless, pregnancy or no...It bought me an almost-three day weekend, even if I'm going to spend the whole thing on the couch with my arm over my eyes, exhausted and groaning because I can smell the neighbors and it's making me FUCKING NAUSEATED.

Butseriously. Don't worry about me. I have industrial strength fans. And everyone knows: FANS HEAL ALL WOUNDS.


* According to Blogger spellcheck, "ovulating" is not a word. Seriously?