I'm having trouble eating and sleeping. Happens every couple of years. I'm weak and shaky and tired as all fuck. I'm afraid of everything. Today it seems like every bad thing I've ever done is looming black and sinister on my life's horizon. I'm afraid that if I don't make amends, something terrible will happen to me. I leave the house and see smiling people driving their cars and walking down the aisles of the grocery store and waiting for their greasy pizzas. I look at their normal faces and feel like I am the only person in the world who has ever done anything shameful. I feel tarnished and horrid when everyone else seems to shine - towering, shimmering pillars of fucking virtue.

I know somewhere that everyone has secrets. I also know that the reality is that my secrets are cuddly little bunnies compared to the fiery monster-secrets MOST people have. [considering the fact that I am emotionally paralyzed by the mere thought of doing something mean or wrong or bad or illegal].

I just want to feel normal again, and as usual, I'm afraid that I never will.