I AM ZEN, MOFOS. Shut up.

I lack motivation.

I have mountains of unfolded laundry, stacks of dirty dishes. I have piles of schoolwork that I've actually completed - but I can't seem to find the energy to type it up and email it to...that guy I'm supposed to email my assignments to. His email signature includes a small photo of himself - shiny-bald, standing in a pool with goggles hanging around his neck squinting into the sun.

I had my secret interview at another doctor's office last week. They only offered me three more secret dollars an hour [as opposed to the five that I asked for], so I told my current doctor about it and wound up with a nice, healthy raise. Which is also a secret. Shh.

I am also practicing/ designing my own method of achieving workplace Zen. Mostly, it constitutes squeezing my eyes shut and yelling, 'SHUT UP YOU'RE CHALLENGING MY NEW WORK-ZEN STATE GO AWAY' when they ask me stupid questions at work.

So far I have been successful. Maybe I should publish a self-help book.