Corpse Bride is no Nightmare Before Christmas.

'The great thing about movie theaters is' Tony says - crumbs flying everywhere from his mouth full of popcorn - 'it's the only place where you're allowed to litter. And it helps the economy'. We're standing in the lobby of a giant multiplex, waiting for our friends to buy their candy. I've been staring at this tall, hulking, slightly stooped, sad-looking boy behind the concession stand, trying to figure out where I know him from. I look down at Tony's feet, and they're surrounded by popcorn kernels, straw paper, a napkin. 'No, seriously. Think about it. The more trash I drop on this floor, the more people are going to have to clean it up. And the busier the staff is here, the more people they have to hire. I'm creating jobs.' I, for probably the tenth time that day, resist the urge to kick my husband and realize that I know the tall boy because he works at chick-fil-a and I go there every fucking day. This saddens me.

I need to start taking my lunch to work.

Do I look busy?

Late last week the bald man I email my school assignments to wrote me to tell me that my effort seems to be on the decline. Also, he noted, I need to complete one assignment every ten days for a year if I want to finish the Program.

So. Shit.

The only thing worse than the sinking feeling that I am failing is the panic that takes me when I spend yet another day NOT DOING ANY SCHOOL STUFF. I don't know what's wrong with me. I WANT to do the school stuff. I really do. But. I have so many other things to DO. For instance:

Taking pictures of myself wearing various animal hats and masks.

I really do find all this Montessori stuff fascinating. I love to read her biographies and essays. I love the science behind all of it. I love the idea that maybe one day I will be able to get a real, grown-up sort of job. But. There are SO MANY animal hats out there.

Today I got off work six hours early, which should have given me plenty of time for school stuff. But! I baked a cake. And cookie bars. And reorganized my yarn supply. And cleaned out two closets. And played/aborted four thousand games of medium-difficulty spider solitaire. Oh, but there's still lots of time left, right? Except! I have to make a sauce, some chicken, pasta, salad. Maybe another cake. Life is all about choices.

And. Avoiding work. No matter how much I actually like it. Don't tell the bald man.

I AM ZEN, MOFOS. Shut up.

I lack motivation.

I have mountains of unfolded laundry, stacks of dirty dishes. I have piles of schoolwork that I've actually completed - but I can't seem to find the energy to type it up and email it to...that guy I'm supposed to email my assignments to. His email signature includes a small photo of himself - shiny-bald, standing in a pool with goggles hanging around his neck squinting into the sun.

I had my secret interview at another doctor's office last week. They only offered me three more secret dollars an hour [as opposed to the five that I asked for], so I told my current doctor about it and wound up with a nice, healthy raise. Which is also a secret. Shh.

I am also practicing/ designing my own method of achieving workplace Zen. Mostly, it constitutes squeezing my eyes shut and yelling, 'SHUT UP YOU'RE CHALLENGING MY NEW WORK-ZEN STATE GO AWAY' when they ask me stupid questions at work.

So far I have been successful. Maybe I should publish a self-help book.

Anybody wanna hire me?

These are uncertain times.

Tony and I fought silently over the Canada Ordeal for days. And then we both remembered MICHIGAN, that magical land that lies half way between BOTH families. So. He gets to take daytrips to see his parents whenever he wants, and I get to figure out a way to talk my Michigan grandparents into being my primary daycare providers.

...when I get around to needing daycare.

I'm freaking out because Michigan is far away from my mom.
Also because despite the fact that I am pretty much the only person working in my doctor's office, I may have an opportunity to make nearly five bucks an hour more somewhere else. And. While this is FUCKING AMAZING, I am simultaneously filled with a sense of OVERPOWERING GUILT.

Also. I printed out an ovulation calendar today.
You know. So I can know when I'm ovulating.
And then have sex.
And then HAVE A BABY*.

...this is insane.
[I am so excited.]


* No more tranquilizers and my doctor says my medicine is A-OK for pregnant ladies. Apparently. She did, however, agree that I have the mentality of a 12 year old.